When I Started to Complain

As I was reviewing my blog, for some reason there was the beginning of my story that was left out and, I was lucky enough to have kept it on my computer so that I could then find this problem and, join them together. If as your reading this now, and it seems to have some repetition in it, the reason is very simple there was all this at the beginning that was missing and you should have it as well and, not miss out on part of it or, wonder how things started. Thanks for reading it and understanding.
LIVING WITH CANCER AND WHAT TO DO
How I found out that I had a tumor and cancer; After he removal of the tumor the cancer was in my lymph nodes giving me Lymphoma Cancer and, then the treatment and what it’s like as well, what it was like to prepare for the operation and hospital stay. Remember that, I’m not a doctor but, I am a cancer survivor for now, I pray everyday that I will always be a survivor.
It was something that I felt would happen to me because there was so many of my family, my mom, all her sisters and brothers, all had passed away from some kind of cancer. I thought well, if something was going to get to me, it would end up being the same thing. I’m only forty-eight now and have three young teen boys at home with me. My ex left me a number of years ago and I was given custody of my children. This is a different story but, I thought you should know just what I had to think about as I was give these new challenges to go through.
It was mid-September when I talked with one of my doctors about something very personal. I had blood in the stool and that I was passing a lot of bright red blood each time. I told him about it and he sent me over to a specialist to talk with. We talked and he did the exam and then suggested that I have the colonoscopy, I really didn’t know what I was getting into at that time, but I followed what I was told I needed to do.
I had this done about one and half hours later, the hard part was the bowl cleansing, I didn’t know it would be so had on me. But, I made it through that and the next morning had the test done. I was suppose to go see the doctor at 10 a.m. after everything was done but, when the nurse awoke me from things and my friend was sitting next to me, I was told that I didn’t need to go see the doctor today but, to go home and finish resting and to follow up with the doctor in about five days. The nurse told me there was a mass that was found and the doctor took a piece of it out to have it tested, I would know what it was by the time I seen him. Those days went by slow but, I seen the doctor and found out that the mass was characinoid cancer tumor and that, if they removed it now there was a good chance it would not spread to the lymph nodes.
They removed everything out of me and I was surmised that I spent only two days in the hospital. The doctor came in and told me they got it all. I thought that was the good news, I was okay. I saw him ten days after that and he told me that I would need to see an oncologist. I saw him and that’s when my hopes and stuff went down a great deal ... First, I now know that the cancer has got into my lymph nodes and that it has to be treated. It’s one of the hardest ones to treat because it’s a cancer that is hooked through your body. What was I supposed to do?
I was able to get through the treatments and all; I’m doing better, my spirits are still a little down but, I’m doing better right now. I just found out that my cell count has changed again, so they will revisit and through treatment will fix things better. I made it through them and I am back to work; I wrote my own blog about it and still working on it. I am surprised how long they take, and would be happy for anyone that would like to read my story to read my blog and I’ll be adding more to it. I’ll keep adding. I have survived so far and pray that I will continue to; I want my boys to grow up with a dad. Thanks for your read and comments.
Thursday came and I was going to have the operation. They prepped me again and I waited and waited for the time of the operation. A nurse came in and told me that I had to take some type of pill prior to the operation. This would be something that would help me heal faster after the operation. About an hour after taking this pill, wow! I thought I had just been put through some type of torture treatment. I was in pain in my chest and then all hell broke loose and I was loosing control of everything. The doctor saw me. I didn't even know it was him but they ended up taking me into the operating room and tying me down to knock me out and then they could monitor me while the doctor finished up another case. I was sleeping until it was my time. I know that I was put to sleep around 3:45 p.m. and found out that I was put into my room around 9:45 p.m., so I don't know just how long the operation took. They said the operation should only take about three hours so. I figured out that the doctor must have started around 6 p.m. and I was done around 9 p.m. I went thru recovery and finally went up to my room. I didn't sleep through the rest of the night because I really didn't know what went on. How could anyone sleep after an operation when you know that "cancer" was the main part of it and you didn't have a clue what was going on?
They did a great job to make sure I was watched over and I still didn't get to have any food or drink except for maybe a Popsicle or ice. That was it. Wow, going on my fifth day without eating and still didn't know what the results where.The Crazy Roommate:I guess we are all blessed with someone who is going to be in a hospital bed in the same room, but mine was in there to recover from a little problem called, "Not knowing when to stop drinking" and he had been in the hospital for so long that he thought he was in control of everyone in the hospital. The nurses told me that they were going to try and move me out of that one and into one that was quieter. When they told me that they would be moving me, I thought, 'why would I want to be moved out of this room when all they would do was put someone else there and they would have to suffer as well?' Late that day I was told that they were moving this guy out of my room and move this guy who should not even been in there in the first place but, I was blessed when thy moved this guy out and into a private room. I was left with no one in my room and I was also left in peace and quiet. How wonderful that was.The Follow Up and The News:Ten days after I had been released from the hospital, I was to see the doctor who would tell me how things were removed and all was well.. The doctor came in and started out by letting me know how everything came out good and then went on to explain what was removed and how all of it was taken out to be tested. He told me that the operation went well and that's when I was able to breathe easy. Then of course the he said "However, I would like you to see another doctor. His name is Dr. Needles and he is a cancer doctor." This was when my heart went into a panic and I didn't know what to say. I now knew that I had cancer and it was worse than I had ever thought. What was I going to do? What was I going to say?

They were all very kind, but I was told that the doctor would tell me more in the next few days and all. These 5 days felt like the world had stopped. I went in to see this new doctor and was told that the mass that I had was called "carcinoid cancer tumor." He would schedule a time for me to be operated on and then we would know where it was all at and how much of my intestines would need to be removed. Cancer had now been found inside of me.

BACKGROUND:

My mother passed away from a type of cancer that I was told I would have, but it was more important to get the cancer out of me as well and the lymph nodes around that area to test them and then decide when I would have this done. That was easy. The doctor went out with his nurse and the two of them found the day for my operation. I was there on Friday and they had me scheduled to be operated on that Wednesday and that was the day that the cancer would be taken out of me, or would it? I think I will stop here and pick this up more tomorrow as I have grown tired. I will come back and let you know more about the operation and everything that followed.
So, I did make it back and wanted to finish my story about the cancer and what's been going on as well. As I was giving you the background about my mom having cancer, the same type that I would find out that I have because I was blessed enough to find out that there was a problem and because it was caught early, this made the biggest difference in the world. Tests were taken early and the cancer was found; however, because it was taken care of so early the treatments that I had to go through were very minimal treatment that would put the cancer in remission and, what people would have never survived from, I am sitting here writing you my story of how I survived cancer. I have had many nurses talk with me and ask the same questions as they are getting me set up for a test or another test. The question would come up on, "How did you ever know you had a problem?" I give all the credit to my pain management doctor who, knew my history and was able to get me to the doctor, he asked me if there was other problems that I thought I might have? I was smart enough to say yes, I have had a problem with blood in the stool and pains in my abdominal area. He knew to send me to a doctor that knew just what to do and I'm well on my way to a recovery. If Something Does Not Feel Right, Don't Wait, I've gone through a lot of tests now that the first part has been completed and each time I go through another test I wonder what is it going to be like? I pray that there will never be a day that the doctor comes to me and says that the lymphoma cancer has become worse. I will be able to look at things and see that I can get it under control because it is going to be caught early. That first test should have really been one that could have waited for a long time and I'm not looking for that they're right. I want to be able to warn people now, to not take a chance but, to be ready and see their doctor and get taken care of. There might not be anything wrong but, it's so much better to know about it now than when it's just too late and who knows? What you might have to go through? Look at all the different cancers that are out there and what is the chance that you might have one of them? Be open and honest with your doctors and in doing so, you can survive cancer just like I am planning to survive. I pray that I don't ever have to have that talk with my kids and tell them something like I had to this time. I still have things to go through, but each month and through the first year can get me through little by little and I will be a cancer survivor and I pray in another year or two that I can keep updating this blog to tell you I'm still in that survivor spot. Thanks for taking your time in reading and I look forward your replies.
I received my first card in the mail this past week to join others at the 2nd annual cancer survivor dinner over at Grants Farm in June. This makes me feel like things are going the right way however, I never finished going into the details of all I had to go thru to, stop the cancer from doing more harm. The tumor was now going however with 20% of my lymph nodes having the cancer in them, I had to start to go thru some treatments. These were set up almost three days after I meet with Dr. Needles that I was going to start to do my first radiation treatment. They tell you that, you cannot have anything to eat/drink after midnight the day of the treatment and that the day before, you are told that you will need to be on a liquid diet. I arrived at the Hospital for my Monday and Tuesday sessions, needless to say, I was worried but, the people there made you feel comfortable and that you were the only person that they were there for, they talked with me about what was going to be done and how it would all take place. In the beginning I was taken into a room where they put an IV in and started the med’s rolling into me, so far all was ok as they explained that once this part was done, I would then have to wait about two hours while the medicine went thru my body. So, I was able to go around places while I was waiting for whatever was going to happen, did.
The time came and I was ready, I didn’t really know what I was in for that first visit but, when I arrived back there around 11:45, I sat down and listened for my name to be called. It was finally and I was read o get it over with. I was called back and was put on a table that you would normally have for a CT scan but, this was going to do a full body scan to tell the doctors and those who have been working with me to know right where the cancer was at and then, I would be put into place and read for everything, at least I would have a good idea of what and where things would happen.
This processes started and, I was set up to have my full body scanned, this was something that was going to take for the first time about 1.5 hours and then the second part would take another hour or a little more. I found out that this thing I was going thru as taking 3D pictures of me from about my knees up to my neck area. These paddles were set up to go around my whole body, then move and do it all over again as it moved up my body. I really never got to know what was seen on these pictures but, they tell me it will be useful when they are needed.

Treatments:
I had to fast on Sunday, only clear liquid to drink and then go into the cancer center on Monday and Tuesday, it was not bad in the beginning but, by the afternoon of Tuesday I had lost all my energy and really could not do much for the rest of the week. I don’t know just what it was all about, it was scary and I laid there afraid to move for fear that the radiation would not get in the wrong spot. I had to have a lot of faith in God and in His plan and, I know that’s what my mother had, as she had to go thru all the treatments she had, even with the Chemo that mom had to go thru, I know it was so hard on her that, I was not going thru anything that she did. I think of her often because of this and, I know that she is there with me as I was going thru those treatments. They were able to control the pain that I was going thru by using either Morphine or Fentanyl both were very strong pain killers and, I stayed in bed most of the time. I was able to get moving again around Saturday and then Sunday would prepare to start over again with the fasting then the treatment.

UPDATE AS OF 07/30/2009 Sorry I've been so slow

I have not updated my blog for some time and, for that I am sorry. It’s like having a journal of all the things that are going on and, makes it so easy to let those who might be interested in going out to it once in awhile and giving me a hard time for not updating this.
I was scheduled back on July 17th to have the normal blood test and the wonderful test of drinking the two 20 oz. cups of stuff that, this time tasted like a yogurt but, not the best stuff at all. Things have been going very well for me but, I am told that when you are going thru the first discoveries of what all I can explain to anyone is a mountain of test that seem to be a never ending pass of stories that, you just end up spending all your time going back and forth to the doctor and hospital for so many things that, you forget just what you have done and what you have told to others. To those of you that have read this and commented on it, thank you so very much for the words of encouragements and knowing that because things were found so early, I am going to be just fine. There are many things that I do worry about but, it’s all beyond even my control so, I have a Priesthood blessing and I have learned awhile back that, you have to put all your faith in the plan Father has for you and, all else will be ok.
So, back to the update on what’s been going on seems I’m getting to lazy or just spend to much time on the computer that, it’s the last place I really want to be but, I also want to keep this up to date so that if your wondering what’s going on with me, just check back here. If I have not updated it like I should be then either, I’ve become lazy again and, need a kick to get moving again.
Back to July 17th, 2009 I went thru the CT Scan again and drank the junk they gave me and prepared to get the IV put in. I even put a contest on Facebook to see if anyone wanted to guess how many times it would take for them to get the IV’s set up and ready for the test. By the way if you did see the post and wanted to have guessed, the main thing about the post what, “How many times did you think it would take to get the IV setup?” This is the Cancer Center so, the answer was one, they are so good over there but, I had to ask the question just to see what one would guess, if it was once, twice or more? Because the test was needed every two months, they can tell if anything is going on and, take care of it before anything that happens. I seen the doctor this past Friday and, found that from the test, I needed to go thru a treatment and have this small problem taken care of. If they could have had something like that back when cancer was so much more of a killer, it would not have been able to have take the lives it did. For me, I’m very lucky I feel even when there are so many things that have been going on, they have found things and, they have made it so that my life and, so many others easier to survive and be happy. You have to worry about things now and then but, deep down inside you know that they have such a better hold on things now. God has really given us so many new ways to be healthy and save so many lives because of what Father has provided to us in this age. I will be going thru a treatment this afternoon, July 30th and again on July 31st, and everything will be back to normal at least in my own way of thinking. I guess that things could be worse but, they are not and I am living happy and normal and, that’s what I want my own personal family to know is, I will keep living on normal and will be ok from it all. There used to be a time when, I would call a family member and would talk for way to long about everything that was going on, I found out that this is not what family wants to hear about, they want to know how the kids are and has anything else changed in your health? Did you remember to ask how everyone that is out there doing? If you make the call short and sweet and, to the point and, everyone will be happy. It’s so much better to have a short talk and not worry about things that might be upsetting to others.
So, all will be ok after the treatment is completed this week and, I’ll get rest over the weekend and my health will be fine again. It’s hard to go thru all this stuff and not really be able to tell people what’s going on because, if you do it in a way that sounds wrong, then you’re looking for someone to feel sorry for you but, it’s not the case and, as I write everything here I can say it very easy to say now because, I am saying this to just let you know that, no matter what life has to offer you, if you do the things that your told to do, you will be ok and no one needs to feel sorry for you. I’m going to be ok and I’m really thankful to the family that has wished me the best as I go thru this little treatment. I am not worried, I am scared but, I turn it over to our Father and we can all be ok. When it is our time to pass thru the vale and onto the other side where we are with our family again and, we are happy then we will know that all is well. Like the song ‘Come, Come ye Saints” the last verse says that “And should we die before our journey’s through, Happy day! All is well! We then are free from toil and sorrow, too; With the just we shall dwell! But if our lives are spared again to see the Saints their rest obtain, Oh, how we’ll make this chorus swell –All is well! All is well!!”
I have not said as much as I should about the wonderful family I have here in Missouri where the only family I really have, related to me are the members of the Ward that I am able to see weekly or more often. These wonderful members have taken me in as a, brother, son or even a dad or grand pa making sure that, not only am I doing ok but, the kids are also doing so well. These are the best friends and family that I could ever talk about and, just like I have a brother or sister who have gone thru some hard time with illness and the need to be taken care of, I know that those in Utah have been taken care of by those in Church and I know that I have helped others and they have helped me and, they are my brothers and sisters here in Missouri. So, I have a great family all around me and, I’m very lucky to have such a blessed family here. I thank you all, my real brothers and sisters to all my brothers and sisters in the Gospel. I have a great life and even if I have to go thru a trial here and there, I’m doing ok and I have a great life.
The time has come that I need to end for now – it’s time to prepare and leave work to visit the cancer center where I am ready to go thru whatever is necessary. I will be ok and promise that I will get back here and update you on what I had to go thru but, it’s suppose to be ok so, it’s going to be ok. Thanks for reading and I pray that I have not offended anyone that might have read this the wrong way. I hope you all know, there is no ill feelings to anyone that I have said.
August 4, 2009 -- Well, here it is a few days after a set of treatments completed on Thursday and Friday, it ended up just like what I had expected. Today I was just looking at the area where the treatment was done and, found that the burns were going away. It was something like being out in the sun for a lot longer than you should have been. I was reading a book about the treatment and found that so many things in the right way, were correct in what was going to happen. Just like before I received my tattoo with their ink and then, when the time come I was laid down on the table where everything was done.
I really did not expect that two times would take that much energy out of your body but, I guess it has to heal up and, this is the way the body reacts to heal from what was just done. I was really glad that it was not so hard as it was when I had six weeks in a row of this, wow that was really hard on the body and I understand why I was not working for the time that I expected. I was really blessed from members of the Arnold Ward who were calling and checking on my health, how I was doing and, was I eating and getting around? Did I need any help being driven around or need anything at all? The Bishop who ensured that I was doing ok after I was done with Thursdays stuff and what did I need? What a blessing it was to have all my friends out here checking to see what they could do. One of the great things about the Church of Jesus Christ, is having a Home Teacher who is active in your family. I know that mine was here checking on me and making sure things were ok, as well as our great missionaries. I look at our missionaries here and I see, two young girls becoming women and, how they have given their time to serve the Lord when, they have their own families back at home not knowing what’s going on but, are assured that Heavenly Father is taking care of them and, what’s going on back there. They are so great and, they are doing such a great service for Father.
Today they took blood and on Friday the CT scan will be done, then gosh I get to wait about a week to see how everything is and, what’s going to be next. The best news would be to be told, all is good and lets see you back here in a couple of months. That would really be great to hear and I pray for that, we shall see but, in the mean time school starts for the boys on August 20th and we have no time to sit down and rest now, it’s running to only two schools again this year and getting the boys all ready for another year. Wow, did this summer go fast! Wesley will be home tomorrow and Nathan will be home on Friday, he has his driving permit now and, it’s really cool to hear that he’s growing up. Andrew, will be a Junior, then Nathan and Wesley is in his last year of middle school. Next year all three will be in High School for one year then, it’s off to the races for what university each one will be wanting to attend. Wow, never thought about this but, they all three will be in college at the same time too if, they all keep going, how fun can that be?
Friday came and went, all test are done and now just waiting to hear from the office to know what’s going on and do I get to sit and not worry or is there more action. Seems like it will be a long week but, I can lean on Heavenly Father for the strength that is needed while your waiting for the results and, lets pray they are good. The ink is all of the body now and the burns are healing up quickly, to me it’s a big deal, to others it’s like oh you have a sunburn. Yea.. it’s ok. Well guess this will have to wait a week be able to update this so until then, I’m working on the family tree with everything, it’s very fun to work on and read the stories that happened along the paths of our family.
Today is October 21st, 2009 and I have not updated this for awhile, I am sorry for that I have not updated this for such a long time however I have been busy and forgot that I really should at least update the blog of my journal. The doctor told me back a couple of weeks ago that all is well and, on October 8th it was my one year anniversary of the operation and now I'm at the area where, it was just a year that the lymphoma was there and that I would need to do what I did. A year later and things are going well. Today, Oct 22nd 2009 I was talking with my back doctor who asked me why, I didn't apply for full term disability and take it easy and all. I thought of it as I was driving home from the doctor and, you know that I do enjoy working and, there is no reason why I should stop doing the thing that I love, and my son's need to get thru school and begin their life. I need to say that life is so important and, I've been so blessed that I have been given a friend that means very much to me and, has made the fight even more worth doing what I'm doing. I can be in pain and, I can go thru all the stuff that cancer calls me out to do and, I'll make it because, I have someone that has really brought things to me and, made it worth more than anything. I was told that it's also time to go thru the test that started everything about the cancer in the first place, yes it's torture but, I have to go thru it and I believe that I will be just fine and all will be clean.

So many of my friends and all have given me so much hope and love to keep on going that, everything is going to be ok and I have the faith that I will be fine. I don't ever plan to give up at all, that's all there is to it. I have something great to look forward to something very special as well, they announced in General Conference that there will be a Temple built in Brigham City, my home town. How great is that and, I plan to go there for the open house and I plan to be there for the dedication, both I cannot miss. It's just so great to hear that and see how much Brigham has grown. I miss my family and parents the most, I wish they were not gone but, I know where they are at and, who knows we might just get to meet inside the Temple in Brigham City. I know mom would have loved the news, it's very cool. I will try and get back after I have the colonoscopy and then right after that will be the test on cancer again in so, I'll be going from one to another. But it will all be ok.

Sorry that I have not been back for such a long time, there has been so many things that have been going on so, I a finally updating this blog again.  Here it is going into another school year with the boys and we have able to vacation that has not come thru for awhile.  We took off for a cross country trip with this being the first time that they get to see the land, we left Missouri getting thru Kansas City before heading up to Iowa not a long time there but, we made it then into Nebraska which is where we had our first KOA stop, setting up the tent that night and getting settled into a dinner and watching a movie off the PC then to sleep.  Got up rested and ready to move on thru the rest of the great state and finally into South Dakota and over to Custer's Last Stand as well getting to see Devils Tower before we stopped at the next KOA and, more rest for the bigger day that come.  We got up and made it over to Jackson Hole getting to see the Grand Tetons and then up to the east gate going into Yellowstone Park.  What great fun we had getting to see falls the animals, great rivers and small streams and beautiful lakes to boot.  Watching the boys enjoy seeing Old Faithful was really fun and, they enjoyed all that was there in one of the great wonders of the world.  We finally finished up and we stopped over in West Yellowstone where we again were welcomed into another KOA but, this time instead of setting up the tent and cooking dinner, they had one last cabin that was opened and offered this to us for the same as what we planned to spend for a tent site.  How fun plus it was much warmer in the cabin and a nice bed than out in that tent on the air beds.  Headed over to see the  Montana Great Quake area and Earth Quake Lake, getting to tell the history of the area and all that happened there, then off we went down thru Idaho, and finally into Utah were we arrived in Brigham City that evening to spend time with family.  My sister has a trailer and, instead of having to burden them in the house, we stayed in the trailer and had our own privacy to boot.
This area is my home town, I grew up in Brigham City Utah and now there we were with the boys getting to meet their aunts and uncles for their very first time.  It's very hard to believe that the first time that Andrew and Nathan were in Utah was back when my mother passed away in April of 1995, Wesley was not even born when that was going on.  Now, here we are getting to go see all the places that dad had while growing up, seeing the home that I grew up in and, having the chance to go out to visit the site where their grandma and grandpa have been laid to rest at Calls Fort Cemetery.  Jamie had so many things that the boys could all play with along with a small pool that they were able to get in and just have some fun.  We took a large box sealed and went to Salt Lake City where we dropped off one of our missionaries belongings and to meet his family.

My family planned a great BBQ and we all got together to visit, eat and just exchange stories and history of life.  Was time to leave Utah and head back home so that they boys could prepare to go back to school, driving again thru Utah, then Wyoming, Colorado, and into Kansas before stopping and staying at a hotel for the night.  They were able to go back to school in the fall with the memories of having a nice long trip and visit thru 10 states.  What a great experience to have and share with my three son's,  this is what life is all about and, never to give up no matter what.

Again, here it is and I am slow again but, it's been very crazy this past year as I had a chance, to read some of the comments that were posted on my life's adventure of dealing with cancer.  After going thru treatment and the recop from all that I had to go thru to get where I am, was asked by others as well as here, "how is your employer supporting you with all that you have to deal with?"  Well, they were little support, I have friends that are at the company and those I will never forget the great friendships that were made over the 14 years of time I spent with Washington University in St. Louis but, I left them on December of 2010 because of that non supportiveness that I was not getting.  I had another operation to go thru in January of 2011 to have a fusion done in my lower back which because I didn't have the company to worry about any longer so I went thru this operation thru the cold but, successful to get it done but, after that operation was completed and going back in to be seen over again, I healed up from that in time to go to see the doctor regarding the results of the last screening.  Yes, for some reason the cancer was again active and another tumor was removed so, I was called to go thru the treatments again but, this time it was only for four weeks  when I then without knowing took the wrong step and, next thing I knew was that my foot was just twisted very bad.  I don't really know if I broke a bone or just anything like that just that it was bad and hurt a lot.

  I was able to get thru that and, three months later found myself in my personal business of consulting when, I started to consult with Monsanto as their Workload Automation AE Software Engineer.  Wow, here I am finally getting to update this again but, I don't know where the time went except that I have been busy keeping up with my personal business as a consultant.  I am still working at Monsanto which feels like it's been an eternity but, I am sure it's not.  What has been happening over this last year that I have not been here to the point where I have almost forgot what I had done.  Oh, had a great opportunity to welcome my own personal family to live here in St. Louis and finally am not alone family here in Arnold.  I have been blessed with Ryan and Natalie Moulton who came here so that Ryan could start his final phase of school and attend Washington University in St. Louis.  They bring with them two wonderful little girls and Natalies mom Janis, it's been a major blessing to have family living here.  To go and visit and just be yourself because, your with family where there is that "unconditional love" which has helped me improve my way of life and, wanting to live even more.  There is so much I could write about over this year but, to have family has been the biggest blessing that I have ever had and my life has change so much over this year and a half now.  I don't believe that I will be renewing the contract with Monsanto when it comes due this summer but, I know that I need to live and start to enjoy a life that might be cut short, this is something that I just leave in Fathers hands because it's His will to be done and not mine.  I am going to get better and getting back here and writing more and more, I have been working so much on my family history and, there is so many stories to write about that too.  Getting to know my cousins kids along with their own children too has really been a big blessing that was presented to me.  It's hard to try and put into words just how much of the meaning of life has taken on.  I have had some great visits with my family now and they have been here for just over a year, they may never know how much they have changed my life as well as how I have changed in living life.  What was once just the normal get up go to work, come home and do the duties in my own home has, all taken a big change.  I cannot say if what all it is but, this has a lot to do with having family here that are older and the ability to talk with them.  There are great times because we can talk on the seriousness of things or can just joke around with each other on what is happening, between having them here and the ability to server as a worker in the St. Louis Temple has really helped me open my eyes to life's precious gifts that, I was not seeing before.  What wonders and treasures that we are truly blessed with from the mercy and love from our Father in Heaven.  Life for me has taken some major turn of events in that before I would go to bed after saying a pray and, while laying going to sleep keep asking, "how much longer do I have to be here, put up with all these medical issues and pretend in front of others that, all is well there is nothing wrong with me."  I used to think how for the past years I have been living a lie making it look like life did matter to me but, at the end of the day when I was all alone, that's the time that was taken to reflect on the facade of my personal life.  Yes, I knew that I was depressed and that I was lonely not being able to have what others have.  A simple life to care about a companion that I could love and take care of, someone to share all my worries to and what was on my mind that needed to be lifted away.  I have not had this for many years now and, to be honest it's not the life that was one expected to be dropped on me.  Looking back at those nights going to sleep, how often did I lay in bed crying to the Lord to remove me from this pain and loneliness that as in circled  all these trials and, making me wish daily that all would just go away, walking on that path of stone walkways  and the beauties of what once been seen at a time when my health was so bad that, while being supported with machines to keep me breathing, having that small chance to see and feel what it would feel like with no pain, no hurt and nothing to be standing in my way.  Then I was told that it was not the right time for me to be there and, that's when I found myself back laying in a bed trying to take that extra 'breath of life'.   Things have changed so much now that I don't feel that same way that I used to look at life, there is a better purpose and keep enjoyment of life to the fullest that one can.  Why did all this change the way of thinking or sleeping for me is that I either had a good "coming to God" moment or because of the great example of a good family to be around and with made so many of these things change and, there still is pain and other things that one has to put up with it's not as bad as I thought of before.  Attending and working at the Temple each Friday night along with having such a great family has changed that thinking and, now when it's bedtime during a pray that one can see the hand of Christ in life more that ever before.  There is always time that I have to still put up with the pain, loneliness and all that but, there is a greater purpose to life and making things work better than to feel sorry for oneself and move towards the plan of happiness and, remember the Atonement that we have been given as a gift from Father. This is so hard to explain in words to help or make it understandable so, shall take a break and come back and see how to write it all down the correct way.  I can't help but sit and say how the change in thoughts and actions have come at this moment and, can't thank my family here as much as I can because of the love and care they have given and, all that they have done.


  I will get back again...  I hope I am not so slow this time.

Comment me if you want more and I’ll keep up this blog or journal.
I love you all my friends and family!
സ c_ammons




സ c_ammons